Thursday, 16 June 2011

Nestle. Yet again...

I was asked by a colleague, who we'll call Jillian to write a complaint to Nestle about a nail clipping that she found in her Allen's Strawberry and Cream lollies.

Needless to say, she was extremely pissed off.  Here it is:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have a complaint for you.

I have just eaten half a pack of your Strawberries and Cream lollies. Once upon a time, I thought that these were the yummiest lolly you made, but now I want to throw them up.

Please indicate why it is that you think that I might want to barf up the lollies that I ate. Is it because:
  1. I ate too many of these;
  2. I ate rather a lot far too quickly;
  3. Someone doused mine in syrup of ipecac; or
  4. Someone’s fingernail clipping was embedded in one of the lollies.
If you answered (4), then you are 100% correct. Do you know that warm feeling you get when you return from the toilet to your drink at the table and take a swig and the boys politely inform you casually that while you were away they’ve all placed their penises in your glass?

I must admit, having never played football (or been a boy) I can’t say that I do, but I’m sure that you get the idea. I feel really quite nauseous and angry right about now.

I would like this rectified right now. Whilst I’m not sure what adequate compensation would be, I’m certain that a fresh box of lollies, carefully screened for similar contamination before dispatch would be just, I’m not really sure that I want to touch any more Strawberries and Cream lollies at the moment.

Please contact me immediately to negotiate.

Yours sincerely,


She has reserved the right to make amendments.  But she also sent me a picture, too:

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