Monday, 25 January 2010

Sam Kekovich - Grand Final Day Rant - For Australia Day

This was a speech Sam Kekovich gave before the 2008 Grand Final, but it can apply to anything where the corporate arseholes who have no interest in the sport get priority ticket allocations and the poor mug who buys a membership to the club and goes to every game gets shafted

Centre Square was a $1900 a ticket event just across the road from the MCG.

My fellow Australians.

I've been invited here to talk to Centre Square, in these big marquees on Punt Road Oval. And speaking of Punt Road Oval, let me tell you something for nothing - Jack Dyer would be spinning in his grave if he could see the place right now. Full of a bunch of Collins Street corporate criminals, Chapel Street designer cats and Toorak poodle rooters who have about as much interest in football as Paris Hilton has
an interest in astrophysics.

Captain Blood didn't break every bone in his body and commit multiple acts of on-field heroism and homicide so he could see his beloved home ground turned into an over-priced pre-match party for chardonnay-swilling spivs and their assorted hangers-on attending their one footy match of the year, whilst tens of thousands of hard-working honest battlers who love the game and love their team are denied the chance to attend the greatest game in the world.

I've had a gutful. Whilst this bunch of Armani-wearing, Audi-driving, Prada-carrying try-hards monopolise priceless vantage points in the MCG, millions of genuine footy fans who have followed their team through thick and thin have to make do by watching the game at home or down at the local pub, whilst the Melbourne spivocracy get to sit on their fat posteriors in a marquee and wouldn't even know the way to the MCG without a tour guide.

Since most of you haven't attended a single match this year and know nothing about football, let me give you a few tips - Geelong wears blue, Hawthorn wears brown, and in case you were wondering, there'll be no fashions on the field at half-time, and no, the Lexus Centre across the road is not a prestige car dealership.

Centre Square is not only unfair. Centre Square is not only inequitable. Centre Square is downright un-Australian! And so are all of you! In fact, I bet you're all so un-Australian that you all hate the Anzacs, you booed Cathy Freeman, and you want to cull cute cuddly koalas because one of them once jumped out in front of your Range Rover on the way to Mount Hotham.

But it's not just you who are at fault. I also blame the AFL - those out-of-touch, opera-loving elitists at AFL headquarters who are responsible for this unconscionable abomination need to take a good hard look in the mirror. That is if they can handle the sight of moral and spiritual bankruptcy staring back at them.

I also blame the government. Our new Prime Minister has clearly failed his first test of leadership if he thinks it's acceptable to allow an event like this to go ahead without a pre-emptive strike by the SAS. The PM is doing nothing to ease the squeeze on working families on the bottom rung of the ladder of opportunity who just want to see their team in the Granny. But he'd better get his act together and do something
about it, or millions of angry footy fans will do it for him. Revolutions have been started and governments have been overthrown for lesser outrages than this. And people ask why we need capital punishment.

So cut off your silver tails, tear up your fur coats and get fair dinkum. Our great Australian game is the greatest game in the world - the game of the people. Not some once-a-year marquee piss-up for an overpaid, over-dressed pack of passionless corporate cretins who only turn up for the free chardonnay and then spend the actual game looking about as interested and excited as a line of Easter Island statues.

So don't bother coming across to the MCG this afternoon, because you're not welcome. The next train out of Melbourne leaves Richmond station in 10 minutes - so make sure you're on it. Or, better still, under it.

So don't be un-Australian - everyone here in Centre Square can get
stuffed! You know it makes sense. I'm Sam Kekovich.

Friday, 22 January 2010

Nestle - Less is Less! - Mixed lollies...yeah right!

Dear Whoever,

I recently purchased a packet of you Allen’s “Party Mix” and I just wanted to give you some consumer feedback.

My first comment is around your definition of the word “Mix”. I suppose mix means an assortment to most people, but at Allen’s it means Bananas, Strawberry Creams and Jelly Babies. Perhaps in future you should call them “Allen’s Party Trio”, with the tag line “99% Fun Free”. I suppose you aim the product at children, who perhaps don’t care about what their lollies look like and are just as happy to eat turd shaped lollies, but for me it’s a swift kick in the face to think Allen’s is trying to pass off 3 kinds of lollies as multiple kinds in a “mix” bag.

I know what your response will be…”the machine packs each bag randomly…” but the simple fact is…I don’t care. If you are having trouble with the randomness of your selections, perhaps you should borrow an Infinite Improbability Drive like the one on the space ship “Heart of Gold”. I’m sure Zaphod Beeblebrox won’t mind lending it to you!

My second problem is with your “Instant Prize” competition. The idea of a competition is the undeniable chance to “compete”. Unfortunately due to the severe lack of instruction, one cannot partake in such competition. You competition is like putting Usain Bolt on a oval with no lines and asking him to “win”….bloody win what?! I dunno….read the instructions….what instructions…ohhh the really vague ones that don’t actually help….mmmm…they’re the ones.

Entering my “unique code”….There is no such thing on this packet. Click on “where to find unique code = it’s on the inside of the packet….I give you the mail…it’s not! Stupid competition, from a stupid company.

That is all.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010


To whom it may concern or that idiot Lynne Kosky,What a pathetic system this is. One and a half bilion dollars or whatever it is that you have spent and the website doesn't even work properly. From the time I logged on (Which took several attempts over 2 days) it took me over 1 hour to get to this point after finally getting my details in for a card. 1 HOUR!!!!! And even then I put in my details and does not give you an option to choose Street/Road etc. Honestly, I cannot see why there is such a delay on this site and if it is going to take this long each time I need to log on and "top up" i cant see how this will work. What an absolute debacle/fiasco/shambles/calamity and any other word you can think of which describes the extent of my misfortune in accessing this site and my tax dollars wasting away. However, credit where credit is due. Well done on your contract where you managed to get a bonus for being 3 years overdue and a billion dollars over budget. Outsatnding.