Colonial Geared Investments - part 3

This is part 3.

Part 1 is here.

Part 2 is here.

Yep. So I finally got around to sending a response to Colonial. All good fun stuff:

Dear Sir/Madam,

It has taken me 3 days since I received this to scrape myself up off the floor after receiving this response to my query. Please allow me to briefly contextualise the reason for this email:

1. I have (on and off) worked in customer service for 12 years
2. Six of these years was in the same bank that pays your wages
3. One more of these years was in a call centre for a master trust where one of my central duties was to respond to incoming queries and complaints that arrived by email and postal mail.

The reason I am framing this response with the above information is this: In all my time in customer service I have never seen a response to a query executed as poorly as this one.

For starters, it is usually considered a good thing to address someone with a greeting. Even the salutation "Hi" would have been acceptable. Addressing a customer of yours without a salutation is simply not on.

Your spelling and punctuation is lamentably poor, and I consider the lack of proofreading to be insulting. Your suggestion that the Reserve Bank's actions with regards to interest rates is influenced by your decisions in this area is laughable.

And your point about your cost of funds being lower than your competitors had me scratching my head. Surely this justifies lower, not higher, rates, don't you think?

A mate of mine pointed out to me that if you truly believe that increasing your rates makes you "compete with our lenders" as you so quaintly describe, then why didn't you raise your rates by 10%? That would make you the most competitive margin lender in the western world, by your logic.

By the way, it's factually inaccurate to say that your variable rate is now in line with your competitors (at least, that's what I think you're saying. You sure have a funny way of phrasing information). I've checked.

Lastly, sir, or madam, or whatever it is that I'm communicating with, why didn't you sign your email? This is so unprofessional it's not funny.

Please respond. I consider this to be a complaint.

Yours sincerely, Dikkii.

And hopefully I get a grovelling apology. But let's see.

Disclosure: This blogger owns shares in Commonwealth Bank of Australia, which owns Colonial Geared Investments

Standard but necessary disclaimer: This is not advice. Only a complete idiot would think that any of this constituted advice. It's not even vaguely reasonable to consider this to be advice. If you are in any doubt as to the content of this, see a good, independent financial adviser immediately. They do exist.